Field Note: Sailing On

It took me 50 fucking years to learn this.

I can choose where my care goes.

My attention, time, and energy are mine to direct. I can leave people, places, and institutions behind without giving them any more of my attention.

I call this my smooth sailing philosophy.

I can choose my distance, my direction, and whom I welcome. I can move toward somewhere I want to be.

I leave others to work out their own situations. Not mine.

For years, I spent energy trying to be understood in places where my thoughts and feelings were repeatedly devalued and dismissed. I kept revisiting questions about myself. What had I done? How could I have been better? It really muddied the water.

I grew up on Sesame Street, Fraggle Rock, and Mr. Rogers. They offered kindness my family often didn’t. But they couldn’t prepare me for navigating politics and group dynamics, and I didn’t have someone beside me saying:

“Dawn, their treatment does not define you. I’m sorry it hurts. You can put it down and move on. We love you. We know your value.”

Instead, I encountered bullying in institutions and found myself blamed for being harmed. The dismissal wasn’t always spoken. It was communicated through behavior—through what people did and what they allowed.

Being left unprotected and uncomforted repeatedly taught me to question my worth.

But I learned a different lesson. It just took a long time to fully accept it.

Fuck them.

Their judgments no longer deserve the authority I gave them. I don’t need to keep seeking their consideration.

Now I trust myself to recognize when it is time to cut bait and move on.

That is my Fuck Them philosophy. Or my THEY CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES! extravaganza.

Because I am free to leave them behind. And that is a gift.

Leaving makes so much more room. And I have things I want to do with that room.

I lift weights. I ride my bike. I kayak. I read, write, and make things. I work with fun, interesting people at a couple of jobs, raise my children, and care for my animals. I am building strength, changing habits, and finding pleasure in the life I have.

There is so much here worth my attention.

I can enjoy an ordinary day without resolving anything that hurt me. I can breathe, notice where I am, and appreciate what is good.

I can make plans because something interests me, excites me, or feels worth trying.

My care is still mine to give. I choose relationships where consideration goes both ways. I choose work I can take satisfaction in, space to create, and time to enjoy being alive.

So I’ve lifted anchor.

I give my energy to the life I am making.

And sail on.

Then, with joy, I shout:

THEY CAN ALL GO FUCK THEMSELVES!

There. Exhale.

Anchor up. Sails up. There is a whole life here worth my attention, and I’m finally free to enjoy it.

FUCK ’EM.

With arms wide open!

And sail on.