The Primate Chronicles, Entry One: I Have Arrived

I have arrived.

Headquarters and the Giant Heads determined that an older female primate would attract the least attention. Their official designation is WOACA. I neglected to ask what the letters stand for. It did not seem important at the time.

The body is uncomfortable.

Without warning it becomes excessively warm. The anterior appendages perspire for reasons I have yet to identify. The body also appears capable of altering its mass by as much as ten units of water in a single planetary rotation. This is considered normal.

Clothing the primate is unexpectedly complicated. Yesterday the trousers fit. Today they do not. Headquarters omitted this from the briefing.

Question: Why are the garments closest to the crevices the most likely to creep and bunch in crevices? And why does the size not correspond to the label once laundered?

Note: Small irritants seem to accumulate as stress in the body of the WOACA. Will observe if this is true across the species.

I selected a loose garment and sandals in hopes of improving morale.

The feet continue to overheat despite spending most of the day sitting in a chair.

The atmosphere is breathable, though unnecessarily humid. The body has interpreted the local pollen as an attack and has responded by attempting to eject its own face through repeated sneezing.

Curiously, the indigenous primates—who insist on calling themselves humans—also suffer from allergies despite having evolved here.

Question: If originating from the planet itself, why do their bodies act like they are foreign?

Note: Track if any portion of their populations are less allergic or more at home. Maybe this holds clues.

Loose Hypothesis: Evolution, it would seem, occasionally leaves unfinished paperwork.

Note in margin: The dominant species demonstrates an impressive capacity for symbolic reasoning, concluding meaning from scant information, and have an equally impressive tendency to misplace its keys, phone, wallet which they depend on. This also leads to massive stress registration in the body it seems. I have heard of something called a migraine.

Early success integrating! I think I may be developing my first migraine! This will impress Headquarters and the Giant Heads to no end. They will surely want to experience this as well. I will continue to take notes so they can recreate the experience. Ah!* flashing lights. Another symptom! This is going exceedingly well.

*"ah", it is usually an exclamation or a slang word depending on the context: it can mean sudden understanding or realization, express an emotion like surprise or relief, or act as internet slang for the word "ass." In this case, I’m not saying ass i’m making an exclamation meaning sudden understanding. It comes with a tingling feeling in the body. I could ah all day really.

The utterance "ah" appears immediately before comprehension. I have begun using it preemptively in hopes that understanding will eventually arrive. Ah, happy days!

Letter to Headquarters:

Dear Headquarters and Giant Heads,

During training I mastered quantum linguistic anthropology, twelve extinct civilizations, and seventeen forms of nonverbal communication.

Why, then, is my principal occupational function explaining the limitations of coupons to other primates for approximately eighteen Earth dollars per hour?

Initial calculations indicate this compensation is insufficient to feed, maintain, and house the assigned body.

Additional concern: I have also been issued a machine for transportation. It is apparently elderly and periodically demands something called maintenance, which recently required an expenditure of approximately two thousand Earth dollars.

I have not yet established financial stability, yet I am already in debt.

Please explain.

Secondary Question: How is one expected to construct a budget when the prices of fuel, food, electricity, insurance, and eggs fluctuate independently and without warning?

Tertiary Question: My training suggests I possess qualifications far exceeding those required for my assigned occupation. Nevertheless, attempts to improve my circumstances appear constrained by a governing institution known alternately as the "IRS" or "the IRS." (Transcription uncertain.) The organization appears deeply interested in my income while showing considerably less interest in increasing it.

Kindly advise.

Your faithful servant,

XUDE