Cheese Monuments, Holey Pedestals, And the Three Bears

Once upon a cheese wheel, there were three little bears, all of whom loved cheese.

Their craving brought them to the great arcade across the institution. As they made their way across the lawn, they saw something strange.

The humans were worshiping the cheese.

Some spoke to the cheese monuments. Some kissed them. Others stood before them at a distance with their hands folded in prayer. They nailed one onto intersecting trees. Another they put on a tufted pillow. Another was on a thrown. Another was framed and hung and didn’t fit on a pedestal. She was nailed to a column.

But they were all cheese.

To the humans, they were not cheese.

They were mother, father, sister, brother, lover, spouse, son, daughter, political leader, religious leader, boss, artist, writer, celebrity, and best friend.

The cheeses were extensive: Brie, Chhurpi, Cotija, Halloumi, Gouda, Ayib, Manchego, Sulguni, Monterey Jack, Roquefort, Paneer, Brunost, Queso Oaxaca, Comté, Beyaz peynir, Wensleydale, Domiati, Pecorino Romano, Rushan, Havarti, Kalari, Gorgonzola, Queso de mano, Oscypek, Burrata, Telemea, Maasdam, Shanklish, Jarlsberg, Canastra, Feta, Taleggio, Kesong puti, Red Leicester, Datshi, Parmigiano-Reggiano, Queso costeño, Leipäjuusto, Tulum, Colby, Serra da Estrela, Bryndza, Rubing, Stilton, Queso fresco, Imeruli, Danablu, Chanco, Kasseri, Limburger, Quesillo, Idiazábal, Chhena, São Jorge, Brick, Akkawi, Mahón, Minas, Cașcaval, Reblochon, Byaslag, Dubliner, Nabulsi, Appenzeller, Paški sir, Queso andino, Cheddar, Manouri, Dangke, Herve, Sardo Argentino, Graviera, Olomoucké tvarůžky, Baladi, Emmental, Queso guayanés, Cashel Blue, Djathë i bardhë, Butterkäse, Reggianito, Labneh, Gruyère, Pálpusztai, Azeitão, Queso de hoja, Västerbottensost, Camembert, Sirene, Oka, Kajmak, Mozzarella, Harzer, Rigouta, Passendale, Gubbeen, Queso Coalho, Livno cheese, Raclette, Túró, Paria, Kashkaval, Gamalost, Cremoso, Chihuahua, Tiroler Graukäse, Colonia, Brânză de burduf, Edam, Chimay, Jben, Préstost, Bokmakiri, Sjenica cheese, Leyden, and a suspiciously perfect wheel of Gouda pretending to be marble.

The humans passed in and around the monuments. Sometimes they took bites. They couldn’t help themselves. It was after all cheese!

Sometimes they took too many bites.

Then they became angry with the monument when it collapsed.

They yelled at it.

They kicked it.

They stomped.

They pouted.

Sometimes the set them on fire.

Some were made into fondu and meat and bread were dredged through them.

The bears watched.

"It's just all cheese," said the first bear.

Then they saw something even stranger.

The humans began desperately trying to mold some cheese back into shape.

They pushed pieces together. They smoothed the surfaces. They filled the holes. They propped up the parts that sagged. Some stood back afterward and insisted the monument looked exactly as it had before.

But what the humans never seemed to realize was that the person was not there. They talked to it. They talked to each other about it. They pointed at it. They even took selfies with it.

The bears sat and watched.

They were not really so hungry for cheese anymore.

The humans had put too much into it.

Hopes.

Dreams.

Fears.

Love and lust.

Trust was the most distasteful. Sometimes it was even more bitter.

Faith seemed to turn sour, mold, but then was used to make more cheeses.

“Huh, look at that,” said one of the bears. “It’s like sour dough.”

But the mice who lived inside the holey pedestals didn't seem to mind the sour smells.

They collected the broken bits of cheese and shredded them over pasta dishes. They baked casseroles. They made enormous bubbling plates of macaroni and cheese and toasted wine over supper.

They invited the bears to come sit with them.

The food was delicious.

The wine was divine.

The humans kept on being human.

The bears and mice had a picnic.

"Why are they making monuments out of cheese?" asked the first bear. "Don't they know it's just cheese?"

"Yes and no," the mice replied in unison.

The second bear frowned.

"Are all the monuments cheese?"

"Yes and no," the mice replied in unison.

This was getting frustrating.

The third bear thought she had a better question.

"Who are the marble statues to the humans?"

The mice tittered.

"They are yes, and they are no."

The bears snuffed and snorted.

Obviously, the mice were in on it.

So the largest bear wandered toward a marble statue standing higher than all the others and mostly ignored. The humans were far more occupied with their cheese.

Then, suddenly, a monument of a woman holding a guitar came tumbling down.

The humans cried out.

They rushed forward.

Some wept. Some screamed. Some demanded to know who had allowed such a thing to happen.

Then they began rebuilding her.

But this time, they made her bigger.

The bear watched as slabs of marble arrived, hauled across the lawn by large workers wearing large hats.

A taller pedestal was erected.

Cranes lifted a great new statue into place.

THE LEGEND WHO DID NO WRONG. EVER!

The workers removed their large hats and pressed them solemnly against their hearts.

"ALL HAIL THE PERFECT PERFECTION!"

Every human stopped.

“THE LEGEND THE LEGEND”

Every human turned.

“THE LEGEND THE LEGEND”

Every human placed a hand over their heart.

"ALL HAIL THE PERFECT PERFECTION!"

The bear looked left at them.

The bear looked right at them.

Then someone screamed.

"LOOK! A BEAR!"

Another voice shouted:

"IT'S COMING RIGHT FOR US!"

No, I’m not.

!!KLAPOW!!

This was the last thing the bear heard.

THE END.

Moral: Cheese can look like marble, and marble can look like cheese, but in the end someone will shoot the bear that stops and notices.