Dirk the Ram Takes a Stand
The lioness had left the barnyard over a year ago.
She had a few little jobs, things to make and bake, children to love, her family to care for, and an outfit coming together beautifully. She’d even discovered the fun of collecting costume jewelry.
Costumes were very on point for her country, thematically. It was political season.
Dirk the Ram found this suspicious.
At online chapel, he’d heard her type was destroying the natural order. At the watering trough, he’d heard she was a pervert and that was destroying the country. At the weekly Concerned Sheep and Bull meeting, they’d agreed her type were probably destroying something right now.
They appointed themselves wolves.
There were no auditions.
Dirk the Ram had bought a larger truck years back.
One morning, he appeared near the lioness’s shop. Later, he drove very close behind her, allowing her to experience the full majesty of a sheep with limited financing.
Inside the cab, between his two ears, behind his eyes, civilization hung in the balance.
Inside her car, the lioness wondered whether she had time to pick up mums.
That evening, Dirk returned to the flock.
“Did she see you?”
“Oh, she saw me.”
A reverent silence settled over the pasture.
“Was she intimidated?”
Dirk adjusted his wolf ears.
“She slowed down.”
“Where?”
“Airport Road.”
The sheep, rams, and bulls exchanged meaningful looks. There were signs everywhere, if you understood signs.
“What did you do?”
“I turned onto Airport Road to make it look like I had some business other than messing with her so I couldn’t be held legally responsible for harassing her. My specialty.”
Many of the members agreed Dirk the Ram was a useful asshole with great cover as someone who had business all over the area, so they made it seem like what he’d done was meaningful. It was mostly about leaving bullshit for other creatures to step in and get upset about. But the bulls knew it was bullshit from another herd animal. But a useful ass was a useful ass. They had recently started to run out of enough bullshit and had need of sheep and ram shit.
But it was so, so valuable to remind tigers, lions, and other animals: THEY WERE NOT WELCOME IN OUR COUNTY! Not voting in their elections. Not influencing their sheep, goats, chickens, and pigs. THIS WAS THEIR BARNYARD!
Disruptive predators were not welcome. The approved wolves, coyotes, foxes, rats, and snakes adjusted their costume ears.
Across town, the lioness put the mums on her porch and looked forward to whipping up dinner and enjoying a dark red wine. She even had a spice candle lit for ambiance. She loved her life. It was wonderful.
She’d learned something very, very valuable—a lesson only living up to her neck with sheep, rams, and bulls in a barnyard could teach her.
Her phone vibrated.
“Hey, hon. On my way home. Anything interesting happen today?”
“An old ram tried to involve me in bullshit barnyard political party mythology again.”
“What did you do this time?”
“Slowed down, remembered they’re just herd animals, and remembered I had bigger fish to fry at home.”
The skillet sizzled. The smell was wondrous.
“That’s my kitten.”
“Meow.”
Life is good when you step past the bullshit, not in it.
