It Was Only Natural That the Unnatural Relationship Became Entangled
She had unwittingly, and without either her knowledge or her consent, become an identity source for Gary, Malcolm, and Gerald.
This was completely unfair.
It was also apparently quite satisfying.
This was different from being an information source.
As an information source, Samantha was terrible.
She had withdrawn from the community almost completely.
She didn't attend any meetings.
She didn't organize against anyone.
She didn't report on anyone, even accidentally, on social media.
She didn't seek friendships.
She didn't argue.
She didn't want to know what they were doing.
She had gone home.
All the way home.
But each man received a small and reliable pulse of dopamine from watching Samantha.
Nothing dramatic.
Samantha making coffee.
Samantha riding her bicycle.
Fucking independent bike riding.
Infuriating liberal environmentally positive activity.
Disgusting.
Gas was patriotism!
Trucks were patriotism!
Samantha going to work.
Samantha coming home.
Samantha buying something unnecessary at the grocery store.
Putting it in her old cotton tote bag!
Infuriating!
Samantha continuing, day after day, to have absolutely nothing to do with them. Pedaling an old bike on public trails and roads. Visiting no one. Joining no group of interest. Wearing old, used clothes.
Fucking pig bitch.
This last activity—wanting absolutely nothing to do with them—remained particularly compelling.
Gary frowned at the latest report.
STATUS: SUBJECT DISENGAGED
THREAT: NONE IDENTIFIED
CONTACTS OF INTEREST: 0
COMMUNITY PARTICIPATION: 0
ATTEMPTS TO INFLUENCE COMMUNITY: 0
RECOGNITION OF OUR GREATNESS: STILL 0
RECOMMENDATION: CONTINUE MONITORING
Gary fumed.
How dare she.
He initialed the report and sent it to Malcolm.
Malcolm read the report.
STATUS: SUBJECT DISENGAGED
THREAT: NONE IDENTIFIED
CONTACTS OF INTEREST: 0
COMMUNITY PARTICIPATION: 0
ATTEMPTS TO INFLUENCE COMMUNITY: 0
RECOGNITION OF OUR GREATNESS: STILL 0
RECOMMENDATION: CONTINUE MONITORING
Malcolm fumed.
It was the zeroes that bothered him.
So many zeroes.
She wasn't even making an effort.
He initialed the report and sent it to Gerald.
Gerald read the report.
STATUS: SUBJECT DISENGAGED
THREAT: NONE IDENTIFIED
CONTACTS OF INTEREST: 0
COMMUNITY PARTICIPATION: 0
ATTEMPTS TO INFLUENCE COMMUNITY: 0
RECOGNITION OF OUR GREATNESS: STILL 0
RECOMMENDATION: CONTINUE MONITORING
Gerald fumed.
Then he signed it.
Gary had signed it.
Malcolm had signed it.
Gerald had signed it.
The three men had now unanimously agreed that Samantha Slimm was doing absolutely nothing.
This required continued monitoring.
The document was stamped:
REVIEWED AND APPROVED — GARY, MALCOLM & GERALD
Over the years, their interest in Samantha did begin to wane.
She aged.
They aged.
Everyone aged.
There were only so many times a man could be informed that a middle-aged woman had gone to the grocery store before even the most dedicated observer began to experience diminishing returns.
Their interest diminished.
Their egos did not.
Their egos grew.
And then there was the money.
It wasn't much.
Nobody was getting rich monitoring Samantha Slimm.
There was simply a little subsidy for services rendered.
Sometimes it arrived through Venmo.
Sometimes it appeared as a gift card in an email.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.
Twenty-five dollars.
Fifty dollars.
Enough for dinner.
Enough for gasoline.
Enough to make doing something ridiculous feel vaguely official.
Gary liked getting his.
Malcolm liked getting his.
Gerald particularly liked getting his.
It wasn't the amount.
It was what the payment meant.
SERVICE RENDERED.
They had rendered a service.
Therefore, there must have been a service requiring rendering.
And if there was a service requiring rendering, someone must have needed them to render it.
And if someone needed them—
Well.
They must still be important.
It was only natural, then, that the unnatural relationship became entangled.
Samantha had never agreed to have a relationship with these men.
The men nevertheless had a relationship with Samantha.
They knew things about her.
They discussed her.
They interpreted her.
They produced documents about her.
They received small payments concerning her.
They experienced emotions about her.
Samantha contributed almost nothing to this relationship.
This did not appear to trouble them.
In fact, her failure to participate seemed to strengthen it.
The less Samantha gave them, the more important the remaining scraps became.
A bicycle ride was noteworthy.
A trip to the store was activity.
Silence was withdrawal.
Withdrawal was potentially significant.
Continued withdrawal established a pattern.
The pattern required observation.
Observation produced a report.
The report demonstrated the necessity of observation.
It was an extremely efficient system.
For producing reports.
Samantha, meanwhile, was at home.
She had no idea a committee had once again unanimously confirmed her complete lack of interest in them.
She was trying to decide whether a sentence needed a semicolon.
Gary's phone vibrated.
Malcolm's phone vibrated.
Gerald's phone vibrated.
PAYMENT RECEIVED.
That was better.
Thank you! Keep up the GREAT work!
Identity politics dopamine…. ahhhhh……
