Xude Chronicles Entry 01230943
Observation #244
Humans claim they dislike traffic.
Each individual also insists on personally becoming part of it.
I have observed neighboring primates constructing increasingly larger driveways to accommodate fleets of enormous vehicles capable of transporting five to eight occupants. Most are operated by a single retired adult.
Curiously, these same primates express the greatest irritation with traffic while simultaneously slowing unexpectedly, accelerating unpredictably, or weaving between lanes in ways that require every surrounding vehicle to brake.
No individual appears capable of maintaining the posted speed for more than thirty consecutive seconds.
One wonders about driving education on this planet.
Or perhaps "training" would be the more accurate term.
Researchers continue searching for a species capable of producing traffic while simultaneously blaming everyone else for it.
Observation #912
Many primates purchase devices specifically intended to save time.
The time saved is immediately spent configuring the devices.
Many postpone software updates because the update requires deleting applications they seldom use but insist on keeping.
Progress remains difficult to measure.
Observation #913
Humans routinely ask one another for directions, the time, weather forecasts, and other information while simultaneously holding devices they refer to as "smart phones."
Researchers have suggested that constant access to information should increase reasoning ability and overall knowledge.
Oddly, some primates who reject these devices appear even more confident despite possessing less information.
Further study is required to determine whether reduced knowledge naturally increases confidence.
Additionally, the local theater operator recently announced that pennies would no longer be accepted or returned as change. Another merchant has reportedly stopped issuing exact change altogether, preferring to "round down."
This resembles a very small robbery, an activity the primates claim to oppose with great enthusiasm.
Money itself has become increasingly symbolic. It is no longer backed by gold.
Gold remains an unusual object of admiration. It cannot be eaten, cure disease, shelter one from storms, or keep one warm.
Its primary observable function appears to be motivating primates either to work very hard for it... or to attempt to take it from someone else.
Personal Note
The more I study the species, the less certain I become whether humans invented irony...
...or simply evolved inside it.
Transmission to Giant Head
Respected Giant Head,
I have observed that nearly every invention intended to make life easier eventually becomes another source of frustration.
Is this an unintended side effect of civilization...
...or the civilization itself?
Additionally, I request an increased allocation of pennies.
I wish to determine whether receiving exact change produces joy or frustration.
The theater operator appeared irritated when I attempted to provide exact change. He ultimately refused the pennies altogether.
This has only increased my curiosity.
Respectfully,
XUDE
Response from Giant Head
XUDE,
Your questions continue to demonstrate insufficient immersion.
Effective immediately, you are assigned the following:
Renew your vehicle registration.
Contact customer support for an internet provider.
Reset the password to an account you no longer remember creating.
Explain to another primate why their Wi-Fi stopped working.
Secure a 3rd part-time position.
Do not reveal your extraterrestrial origin.
Should you survive, submit your findings in triplicate.
Due to an imploding star that has begun interfering with long-range transmissions well ahead of projected models, approximately two-thirds of your reports have already evaporated.
Please refrain from becoming discouraged.
We have no backups.
