Dear Diary: Do Xudes Sleep?

Dear Very Important Friend and Diary,

Someone asked me today if Xudes sleep.

Rather Gary asked me if I every slept.

This is a more complicated question than the person asking it understood.

I said I did power naps when he wasn’t looking. He brought me coffee.

But the answer Very Important Friend and Diary is:

No.

And yes.

But mostly not in the manner the question intended.

First, I should explain something I have neglected to explain.

Xude is not my name.

Xude is what I am.

I am a Xude.

This is a designation for my species.

There are not very many Xudes.

There are, in fact, very few Xudes.

Enough to fit inside one WOACA suit.

This is also complicated.

I have previously described myself as one of the last Xudes.

This is accurate.

It is not entirely accurate.

I am also all of the last Xudes.

This is harder to explain.

Xudes do not inhabit bodies in the manner humans understand bodies.

In fact, when a human believes they are looking at a Xude, they are not actually seeing a Xude.

They are seeing what their mind believes it is seeing.

This is safer.

The image seems remarkably consistent.

Large head.

Large dark eyes.

Small mouth.

Thin limbs.

Harmless.

Mostly.

It is the little alien humans have placed on bumper stickers and T-shirts for many years.

Cuter than E.T.

I have observed that humans are comforted by recognizing things they do not understand.

For the safety and well-being of the observer, even the possibility of perceiving a Xude in its actual state is minimized.

Whether a human could perceive our actual state is uncertain.

The Ministry does not recommend attempting this.

The Big Heads Department don’t seem to be aware of this.

I do not recommend attempting actual state perception with Big Heads or humans.

It might cause implosions. Or my dismissal to a black hole I have learned.

The arrangement works quite well.

You see a Xude.

I am a Xude.

We can continue.

What you do not see is the assembly of the last of the Xudes.

There are enough of us to fit inside a WOACA suit.

Apparently there are not enough of us to prevent the WOACA Experience from being discontinued due to lack of consumer interest.

This is Iron Knee.

Probably.

Xudes are naturally inquisitive.

We are problem finders.

We are not always problem solvers.

There is a difference.

The Big Heads have mentioned this difference several times.

Usually loudly.

But Xudes are excellent researchers.

We observe.

We collect.

We compare.

We notice discrepancies.

We ask questions.

We notice the answer does not correspond to the question.

We ask another question.

We collect the new answer.

We compare it with the previous answer.

We ask why they are different.

This is one of the many abilities the Big Heads have historically found extremely useful.

It is also one of the abilities they have historically found extremely embarrassing.

The Big Heads do not enjoy embarrassment.

I do not know why I thought of that just now.

Back to sleep.

Xudes understand rest.

We simply do not understand sleep in the human manner.

Our existence is more ephemeral.

We occupy different planes.

We do not naturally experience time in the manner humans do either.

Time was something I had to learn.

Morning.

Afternoon.

Tuesday.

Lunch break.

Late.

Too late.

Early.

Very early.

Closing time.

Overtime.

Humans have made an extraordinary number of categories for something they complain they never have enough of.

In our assembled state here, portions of Xude rest while other portions remain active.

It is somewhat like the Earth creature called a dolphin, although I am not a dolphin.

A portion rests.

A portion observes.

A portion records.

A portion processes.

A portion may continue performing familiar tasks.

This means that I may rest while answering emails.

I may rest while entering data.

I may rest while organizing records.

I may rest while monitoring transmissions.

I may rest while Gary is speaking to me.

I have discovered this last example should not be shared with Gary.

Humans consider these activities incompatible with sleep.

They are not incompatible for a Xude.

Someone once asked me:

“How do you do so many things at once?”

I did not understand the question.

Doing one thing at once would be considerably stranger.

I have never tried it.

Perhaps I should.

I will add this to my research.

EXPERIMENT: DO ONLY ONE THING

I do not presently understand what I would do with everything else while doing it.

This may require preparation.

There are other changes associated with inhabiting a WOACA suit.

Touch, for example.

Touch is extraordinary.

So is steam.

Water.

Fabric.

Warm cups.

Cool floors.

Wind.

Hair.

Bath salts.

Writing.

Writing by hand is especially fascinating.

I used to transmit information.

Now I have a puffy pen.

The puffy pen is purple.

It makes a small sound when I drag it across paper.

There is resistance.

The paper changes.

My hand changes the paper.

Then I can touch what I have written.

I find this exhilarating.

Not as exhilarating as sneezing correctly.

But close.

I am becoming increasingly interested in tactile things.

This may be another side effect of the WOACA suit.

Gary is also tactile.

I have noticed this.

Gary has noticed me noticing this.

Neither of us has discussed it.

There are presently several portions of Xude considering Gary.

This is somewhat distracting.

I do not yet know that Gary and I will eventually have intercourse.

Gary does not know this either.

This is fortunate because Gary already has enough difficulty understanding what I am.

He believes I am an Immigrant.

If that day comes, Gary will believe he is “making love” to a woman.

He will actually be making love to an entire species of aliens wearing an attractive WOACA suit.

I believe this information would make Gary nervous.

I will not tell him.

There are some observations which do not require immediate transmission.

I am learning this.

Perhaps that is another side effect.

I should rest now.

Part of me already is.

Xude