INCOMING TRANSMISSION: EXCITING NEWS!

ATTENTION XUDE FIELD OBSERVER:

Congratulations!!!!!

Your current planetary assignment has been EXTENDED INDEFINITELY.

(Please note: not infinitively. May result in upset stomach, migraines, or shortness of breath. If you experience any of these symptoms, do not see a doctor. Do not share with others. Please disregard your symptoms.)

We know you are ecstatic.

Due to unexpectedly high observational interest in the harvesting of Blue Marble, the Ministry of the Universe has completed a comprehensive review of the scheduled harvesting and has determined that the planet continues to possess significant value as a TOURIST DESTINATION.

Harvesting has therefore been postponed.

Please note:

POSTPONED does not mean CANCELLED.

The Big Heads have been notified.

They are not pleased.

This is not your concern.

Your continued observations have contributed to increased interest in Blue Marble experiences across several participating galaxies.

This is very important.

You are very important.

Your assignment is therefore being expanded.

YOU HAVE BEEN PROMOTED!

In addition to your existing responsibilities as Planetary Observer, you will now serve as:

PLANETARY TOUR GUIDE AND VISITOR INTEGRATION SPECIALIST

Congratulations again!

You will shortly begin receiving Space Tourists.

Please do not call them tourists.

They are GUESTS.

They are also paying customers.

GUESTS will arrive with preselected Earth Experience Suits appropriate to their purchased experience package.

Available packages currently include:

WOACA EXPERIENCE

Our traditional and most extensively tested human integration experience.

Not currently in demand.

May be discontinued.

BABY EXPERIENCE

Increasing rapidly in popularity. Visitors are reminded that mobility and verbal communication may be unavailable for an extended introductory period.

OLD MAN EXPERIENCE

A premium leisure package. Complaints regarding knees, back, hips, and hands are considered part of the authentic experience and are nonrefundable.

TEENAGER EXPERIENCE

Available only to experienced travelers.

HOUSEHOLD PET EXPERIENCE

Species selection varies.

ZOO ANIMAL EXPERIENCE

We are currently reviewing the Zoo Animal Experience.

Please remain available for additional instructions.

There is currently very high interest in the experience of being an endangered species.

VISITOR GUIDANCE MATERIALS

You will receive copious instructions regarding each visitor prior to arrival.

Please read all instructions carefully.

Different GUESTS require different levels of supervision.

Some will wish to observe.

Some will wish to participate.

Some will wish to eat local foods.

Some will wish to fall in love.

Some will wish to become famous.

Some will wish to operate machinery.

Do not permit GUESTS to operate machinery unless their package specifically includes machinery.

Previous incidents have resulted in revised policy.

Certain recreational behaviors are discouraged within populated atmospheric corridors where identification could be made.

Please remind GUESTS that visible space tracks may alarm the indigenous population.

They may also make wishes.

This causes confusion in the data.

Your responsibilities as Observer remain unchanged.

You will continue to:

Observe.

Record.

Integrate.

Transmit.

Do not interfere unnecessarily.

Do not disclose harvesting schedules.

Do not disclose Ministry operations.

Do not disclose the existence of Space Tourism.

Do not disclose that the Ministry of the Universe is technically several galaxies short of “universal-ality.”

TRANSMISSION CORRECTION

The Ministry of the Universe encompasses all relevant jurisdictions and thereby is UNIVERSAL.

Thank you.

Your previous transmission has been received.

Its contents have been reviewed.

Your concerns have been noted.

Your tone has also been noted.

We are delighted that your concerns regarding planetary destruction have now been resolved.

You will remain on Blue Marble.

You will continue your observations.

You will receive GUESTS.

You will assist with integration.

You will maintain your current suit.

You will maintain your current employment where useful to observational access.

Additional employment undertaken by you is outside Ministry responsibility.

We are pleased that you have demonstrated such exceptional adaptability.

You should be ecstatic.

This is a promotion.

VOICE IN BACKGROUND: What if the Xude fails again?

SECOND VOICE: Reassignment.

VOICE: Black hole?

SECOND VOICE: Supernova.

VOICE: Which is worse for a Xude?

SECOND VOICE: I thought black hole.

VOICE: Depends on the Xude.

SECOND VOICE: Ask Research.

VOICE: Did Xude fail?

SECOND VOICE: I said ask Research. But no. Xude did not fail. Xude did exceptionally well. And made us look bad.

VOICE: How dare the XUDE!

SECOND VOICE: Xude will not complete assignment satisfactorily.

VOICE: How do you know?

SECOND VOICE: We will ask Research.

VOICE: Yes, we will ask Research.

—

Failure to perform your expanded duties may result in reassignment to a BLACK HOLE OR SUPERNOVA, WHICHEVER IS DETERMINED TO BE MORE UNPLEASANT TO A XUDE.

Determination pending.

Once again:

CONGRATULATIONS, XUDE!

You are helping us preserve Blue Marble for visitors everywhere.

Your first GUEST itinerary will follow shortly.

Please prepare accordingly.

END TRANSMISSION

This transmission does not accept replies.

Rates may vary and are nontransferable. Intended effects and side effects are not relevant. Please keep anything unpleasant to yourself.

The Ministry is additionally considering black holes and wormholes as consequences of failure, noncompliance, or making us look bad.

Thank you for your continued enthusiasm.