XUDE'S PRIVATE DIARY: Entry 1!

(Unauthorized. Headquarters believes this notebook contains observations on soil composition. I have encouraged this misunderstanding.)

Today I reached a conclusion.

Research is not the same as understanding.

I have transmitted 917 observations regarding this planet.

Headquarters has responded with:

• "Expand."

• "Clarify."

• "Insufficient sample size."

• "Continue."

Never once have they asked if I am comfortable.

Not that comfort is a recognized metric.

Apparently.

When I attended the Academy, instructors repeatedly informed me that I possessed an unfortunate tendency to ask questions when answers were expected. This was considered a defect. I wished to know why gravity preferred certain arrangements, why civilizations measured value differently, why authority seemed so irritated by curiosity.

My instructors preferred confidence.

I preferred evidence.

This led to many educational disappointments.

Eventually someone in Administration declared, "Assign XUDE to Field Research. Let the universe answer the questions instead."

I suspect they were simply tired of me.

Now I have spent many planetary cycles collecting data from a species that confidently answers questions they have not yet asked.

An impressive adaptation.

Headquarters insists my observations are important.

The transmissions disappear into a department containing approximately 48,000 researchers who appear to exist primarily to request additional documentation from one another.

Their own observations remain classified.

Whenever I describe fatigue, they request additional fatigue.

Whenever I describe absurdity, they request a larger sample.

Whenever I report a contradiction, they conclude the contradiction requires further contradictions.

The process is remarkably self-sustaining.

Today Headquarters requested that I "produce definitive conclusions regarding the complete behavioral motivations of all primates while remaining entirely objective and avoiding direct interaction."

This is impossible.

Naturally it has been assigned a high priority.

I have therefore decided upon a new research methodology.

I shall begin lying.

Not malicious lies.

Administrative lies.

The sort that move efficiently through organizations.

Transmission #918:

"Planetary morale increasing."

Transmission #919:

"Conflict expected to resolve itself."

Transmission #920:

"Liberty pennies functioning exactly as intended."

I wonder how long it will take them to notice.

NOTE: I will sprinkle in excessive compliments. They seem to respond well to confirmation bias and praise.

Perhaps they already know.

Perhaps accurate reports and inaccurate reports are processed identically.

That would explain many civilizations.

This diary, however, shall contain the truth.

Or at least the version that feels true after spending another day pretending not to notice what everyone insists is normal.

I suspect that is the only worthwhile research remaining.